Bad jokes.

One evening, as I was walking home from work, I stopped at a corner to wait for a clearing in traffic.

As I stood there, a lady approached me and asked with a sly wink, "Is there anything thee'd like for fifty dollars?"

Pausing a moment, I replied "Actually, yes. Paint my house."

I have one, it's kind of dirty though, so young people should not read this.
Ok here goes, There were six white horses, they fell in the mud. Now they're dirty as hell. >.>

This is my favorite thread already.
Did thee hear about the peanut who walked down the wrong street? He was assaulted!

I also like nerdy pickup lines like.. hm.. I wanna be your derivative so I can lie tangent to your curves.

Arisu wrote:

This is my favorite thread already.
Did thee hear about the peanut who walked down the wrong street? He was assaulted!

I also like nerdy pickup lines like.. hm.. I wanna be your derivative so I can lie tangent to your curves.

LOL sounds like something from the back of a laffy taffy wrapper :Fat Ass:

And just for clarification, by bad jokes, I mean the sort your father will tell thee, sometimes slightly dirty and always throw thee off track or make thee thing,"that's both aweful and funny".

Here are two of my other favorite jokes I already said in the other forum.


"Daddy, why does santa clause like the rich kids better?"



What did the blind, lame, deaf, mute boy get for Christmas? Cancer.

What happens when thee mix Sam Fisher (splinter cell) With Solid Snake (MGS series)??

thee get Sam Snake!! Hahahahahaha*bblllaaarrrggghhh*


Kidding..hehe

Well here's a stupid pick-up line good enough to be a joke.

"Are thee from heaven? Cuz I've got an erection."

"Why did the chicken cross the road?"
"Because it had AIDS."(i think i got that from south park)

"Why did all the dinosaurs die out?"

"Cuz thee touch yourself at night."


Yo mama is so stupid, when she was filling out her job application, on Sex she put M, F, and sometimes on Thursdays.

*clears throat*

This is for (but not directed toward O-o) Arisu, and her comment about pickup lines.

If I were an enzyme, I would be DNA helicase so I could unzip your genes.

>.<

I like the Flintstones one, personally.

I'm no Fred Flintstone, but I'm gonna make your bed rock!
I don't really consider it a pick-up line, more like a have-sex-with-me line.

2 men walk into a bar thee woulda figured after the first man walked into it the 2nd would have known better

Pickup lines:

"I think I dropped something. My jaw."

"Is your Dad a thief? Because he stole the stars and put them in your eyes."

"I'm like a Rubix cube, the more thee play with me the harder I get."

"If I told thee that thee had a nice body, would thee hold it against me?"

"Have I seen thee from somewhere before? thee look familiar... Now I know! thee look like my next girlfriend."

"Come here and sit on my lap and lets talk about the first thing that pops up."

"I've got the banana and grapefruits, now I just need your melons to make fruit salad."

ok this is a long joke but its funny

3 men crash on an island full of canibles.
the canible king tells the 3 men to go out and gather 10 of the exact same type of fruit.
the first man goes out and comes back with 10 apples.
the canible king tells him to stick the 10 apples up his but without making a facial expression and he will be set free.
so the guy gets through about 2 apples and then he starts whincing in pain, so the canible king takes him away and does what he does.
the 2nd guy comes back with 10 cherries.
the canible king tells the 2nd guy again if thee can stick the 10 cherries up your butt without making a faciel expression ill let thee go free.
so the 2nd guy gets through about 8 cherries and starts laughing histarically, so the canible kings takes him away and does what he does.
while in heaven the first guy asks the 2nd guy why did thee start laughing thee could have lived easyly, and the 2nd guy replied "i saw the 3rd guy coming in with pinapples"

Long, but one of my faves:

Away in the ocean, there sits an island. This island has remained untouched by modern men, and the only inhabitants are two tribes of people. These people are the Babbits and the Trids. The two tribes live on opposite sides of the island, and are seperated by a large mountain range. Now, one day, there was a very curious young Babbit. This Babbit said to himself, "I'm going to explore the world today!" So the Babbit got a boat, and set off. However, he wasn't even out of sight of the island when a strong wind came up, pushing his boat all the way to the Trid half of the island and dashing his boat upon the shore. He asked the Trids to give him a boat, but they refused due to their dislike of the Babbits. He spent the day searching the town for some Trids to help him cross the mountains as guides, but they either didn't like Babbits, or were scared of a monster that supposedly lived at the top of the mountain. This monster was said to instantly grab any passers who reached the top of the range and kick them back down the mountain. Finally, the young Babbit found two Trid guides to take him over the mountains. The journey was hard, but soon they were at the top of the mountain range. The Babbit looked about skeptically for a moment, but sure enough a large white snow monster bounded out and grabbed the first Trid and kicked him down the mountain.
"AIEEEEEEE!"
Turning, the monster quickly gave the second Trid the same treatment. Looking up in terror, the Babbit screamed, "Please monster! Please don't kick me down the mountain!" The monster laughed.
"Silly Babbit, kicks are for Trids!"

Here's some things I got from a joke site. Not exactly "jokes", but if thee think about em thee won't help but laugh your ass off about it.

Annoying things to do on an elevator:

Walk on with a cooler that is labeled "HUMAN HEAD" on the side.
Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering "Shut up, all of thee, just shut up!"
Crack open your briefcase of purse, and while peering inside, ask, "Got enough air in there?
Stand silently and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.

Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call thee Admiral.
Meow occasionally.
Bet the other passengers thee can fit a quarter in your nose.
Stare at another passenger for awhile, then announce in horror, "thee're one of THEM" and back away slowly.
Wear a puppet on your hand and use it to talk to the other passengers.

Listen to the elevator walls with your stethoscope.
Annouce in a demonic voice, "I must find a more suitable host body."
Say "Ding" at each floor.
Say "I wonder what all these do?" and push all the red buttons.
Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.

Stare, grinning at another passenger for awhile, and then announce, "I have new socks on."
When the elevator is silent, look around and ask, "Is that your beeper?"
Try to make personal calls on the emergency phone.
Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers, "This is my personal space."
When there's only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the shoulder and then pretend it wasn't thee.

Push the buttons and pretend they give thee a shock. Smile, and go back for more.
Ask if thee can push the button for other people, but push the wrong ones.
Call the Psychic Hotline from your cell phone and ask if they know what floor thee're on.
Hold the doors open and say thee're waiting for your friend. After a while, let the doors close and say, "Hi Greg. How's your day been?"
Drop a pen and wait until someone reaches to help pick it up, then scream, "That's mine!"

Bring a camera and take pictures of everyone in the elevator.
Move your desk in to the elevator and whenever someone gets on, ask if they have an appointment.
Lay down a Twister mat and ask people if they'd like to play.
Leave a box in the corner, and when someone gets on ask them if they hear something ticking.
Pretend thee are a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and exits with the passengers.

Ask, "Did thee feel that?"
Stand really close to someone, sniffing them occasionally.
When the doors close, announce to the others, "It's okay. Don't panic, they open up again."
Swat at flies that don't exist.
Tell people that thee can see their aura.

Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off.
Shave.
On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until thee hear the penny thee dropped down the shaft go "plink" at the bottom.
Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: "I've got new socks on!"
When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: "Oh, not now... motion sickness!"

Frown and mutter "gotta go, gotta go" then sigh and say "oops!"
Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.
Leave a box between the doors.
Wave hands wildly at invisible flies buzzing around your head.
Start a sing-along.

One word: Flatulence!
Do Tai Chi exercises
When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: "Oh, not now, damn motion sickness!"
Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively.
If anyone brushes against thee, recoil and holler "Bad touch!"

Sing "Mary had a little lamb" while continually pushing buttons.
Bring a chair along.
Lean against the button panel.
While the doors are opening, hurriedly whisper, "Hide it...quick!" then whistle innocently.
Call out, "group hug!", then enforce it.

Sorry if that's too much to soak in, but just THINK about it!

One of my favorite things to do when in other countries is to play "dumb American"

I love abusing the language barrier.

A man is sitting at a bar, when a beautiful woman walks in. He stares at her, and suddenly she looks his way and locks eyes with himand walks his way. Emberassed, he attempts to blubber out a apology when she says "I'll do anything you want, no matter how kinky or out of the ordinary for $100. The only thing is that you ahve to describe it in three words or less." The man thinks about it for awhile, and then says slowly and painfully.
"Paint.
My.
House."


I've been thinking of putting this joke up here for awhile, but I was a bit upset when I realized you had almost exactly the same joke. Meh, still funny.

Logwad wrote:

What did the blind, lame, deaf, mute boy get for Christmas? Cancer.

Is it wrong that I choked on air from the laughter after reading this?